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Cosima's Shadows
Sunday January 18, 2009
Of all the wonderful things to look forward to: a graduation! This is very close to my heart.
I want to hide. I really don't want anyone to see the tears and obviously intense emotions I can't keep to myself. I'm so, so sensitive.
All through my life I can remember situations where I was afraid or humiliated (as a young child) and my reaction was a dramatic display of emotion - crying and tears. When I was elated at my successful accomplishment of some cherished goal (piano recital), my tears were hidden somehow. But for every graduation, wedding, birthday party, funeral, or GE television commercial, a lump starts in my throat and I have no control over my reactions. Good or bad. The bundles of e-nergy (emotion energy) seem to come from my mind and my heart; they meet at that point in the throat and paralyze me.
When my parents were concerned with some unhappiness I seemed to have as a teen, they sent me to a psychologist. He was nice. I was 18 and terrified. He gently showed me around his beautiful garden and home. We then went to his warm, safe 'office' (more like a library/office with plants and leather furniture and sunlight shining through the window) and he gently asked me what I was feeling. All I could say was, "I don't know." I was sincere, I had no idea what to call the intense jumble of vulnerability and dread mixing in my body. He gently, very gently tried to help me, but it was just way too early, I was too young, or so overwhelmed by the emotions I was dealing with all of my life, that I just couldn't break through, even with gentle guidance.
At groups or classes when we each speak in turn about who we are, about our interest, or whatever we are dealing with, it happens again. When all the eyes turn to me, my chin feels like it will shake beyond all control and tears will flow like a river. Mind you, this even occurs when sharing some very positive experience or something of which I am very proud.
My strategy has been to just numb it out. Whatever I have to do, I just do my best not to feel; at least not to that point. My joy threatens to cause my body to explode; my sorrow throws me to the deepest bottom of the unseen realm.
I think I have to deal with this, though. I really should learn to control this. But I don't know if I can. I think this is wrapped up in past life drama. Maybe I was punished or killed for either displaying such feelings or not allowing someone else to display theirs. Did I live as ice, not showing or having any feelings or emotions whatsoever? Could be. Relationships are certainly an issue. Self-centeredness has been a constant companion. People put me in the spotlight and if I can I will keep them entertained. But once I go over that razor thin edge between proper and impropriety, or poise to maudlin mush, my face burns red and I start to cry.
My elementary school was to have a race day, but I refused to go to school. I absolutely would not go run a race against my other little kindergarten classmates. Why was I so afraid to race and win? Or lose? I'm not sure. I've always hated contests of any type. How terrifying. The little inner bell sings to me and I know what I need to do. I need to work it through. I wonder if I can?
Is it just me who feels this intensely? I know better, but it has made life very, very difficult for me.
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Saturday January 17, 2009
He was living in the early/mid 1800s in England, I think. A town square block – a park, with houses lining the sides of the streets. A black metal decorative fence and gate across the front of the houses. Trees and horse carriages. An artist, wearing suit, hat, mustache, and carrying a cane.
He was a Leo; artistic, confident, like royalty, somewhat chauvinistic, loved the ladies. Used the ladies? Broke the hearts of the ladies. His models? Then it was his turn to feel the heartbreak.
Born in 1952, Southern California. Banker’s daughter. Youngest. Self-centered. Moon in Leo. The Moon represents the past.
She always felt very uncomfortable in lingeree departments of stores. Her mother, dear repressed Catholic woman, didn’t tell her about being a woman or how to buy your first bra. Nikki, a year older, went shopping with her to acquire the first bra. You just magically “start” and the Kotex is magically there in the closet. Thank goodness, she had 3 older sisters.
Always. In a ladies’ dressing room in department stores, “I’m sorry…really…I shouldn’t be here.” Very touchy about comments about her gender and body. “Boy or girl?” with very short hair. Pain indignation. Silent suffering at 7. Ultra-sensitive about comments.
She married. Had 2 sons! Then he left her after 22 years. She had the pain. It was the worst Pluto experience she could imagine. It was truly a learning experience. She had to go through the feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and humiliation he’d put his ladies through. Yeah, it hurts. It made her very indignant with men who mistreated their women.
The completion of the cycle? Raise these 2 boys to be respectful and loving to the women in their lives. She is doing her best.
He must have had lots of practice drawing women and horses. She’s always loved to draw those and is very good, as if she’s studied for years. And she can dance. Expressing the joy and beauty of life in the physical body. The joy and beauty of the Infinite through the temporary, material shell of a body. A body never quite comfortable in. “Those boobs in the mirror have to belong to someone else.”
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Saturday October 18, 2008
Story in The Rolling Stone: It's Already Stolen
Investigation by Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Greg Palast released today
Don’t worry about Mickey Mouse or ACORN stealing the election. According to an investigative report out today in Rolling Stone magazine, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Greg Palast, after a year-long investigation, reveal a systematic program of "GOP vote tampering" on a massive scale.
- Republican Secretaries of State of swing-state Colorado have quietly purged one in six names from their voter rolls.
Over several months, the GOP politicos in Colorado stonewalled every attempt by Rolling Stone to get an answer to the massive purge - ten times the average state's rate of removal.
- While Obama dreams of riding to the White House on a wave of new voters, more than 2.7 million have had their registrations REJECTED under new procedures signed into law by George Bush.
Kennedy, a voting rights lawyer, charges this is a resurgence of 'Jim Crow' tactics to wrongly block Black and Hispanic voters.
- A fired US prosecutor levels new charges - accusing leaders of his own party, Republicans, with criminal acts in an attempt to block legal voters as "fraudulent."
- Digging through government records, the Kennedy-Palast team discovered that, in 2004, a GOP scheme called "caging” ultimately took away the rights of 1.1 million voters. The Rolling Stone duo predict that, this November 4, it will be far worse.
There's more:
- Since the last presidential race, "States used dubious 'list management' rules to scrub at least 10 million voters from their rolls."
Among those was Paul Maez of Las Vegas, New Mexico - a victim of an unreported but devastating purge of voters in that state that left as many as one in nine Democrats without a vote. For Maez, the state's purging his registration was particularly shocking - he's the county elections supervisor.
The Kennedy-Palast revelations go far beyond the sum of questionably purged voters recently reported by the New York Times.
"Republican operatives - the party's elite commandos of bare-knuckle politics," report Kennedy and Palast, under the cover of fighting fraudulent voting, are "systematically disenfranchis[ing] Democrats."
The investigators level a deadly serious charge:
"If Democrats are to win the 2008 election, they must not simply beat McCain at the polls - they must beat him by a margin that exceeds the level of GOP vote tampering."
Block the Vote by Robert F. Kennedy Jr. & Greg Palast in the current issue (#1064) of Rolling Stone. [Media enquiries - Dave Falkenstein, Sunshine Sachs & Assoc, via interviews@gregpalast.com.]
Note - Kennedy and Palast are releasing, simultaneously with the Rolling Stone investigative report what they call, the vote-theft 'antidote': a 24-page full-color comic book, Steal Back Your Vote, which can be downloaded or obtained in print from their non-partisan website, StealBackYourVote.org
| | Posted by mindinari at 6:15 PM - | |
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Thursday October 9, 2008
The things you hear from McCain, Palin, Limbaugh, Hannity, and all those who make up the GOP propaganda machine are lies and exaggerations. Here is where to find the truth.
The Republican/conservative ideas (deregulation of banking, savings and loan, etc.) have failed. Like Roosevelt, Reagan is dead. His bizarre policies need to die, too.
Are you better off now than you were 4, 6 or 8 years ago? Are you feeling economically secure? Most Americans are not.
If you are in the percentage of citizens who earn more than a quarter million dollars per year, you are probably doing very well! Congratulations. If you are not in that group, you will not receive any additional taxes under Barack Obama's economic plan.
As far as 'pallin' around with terrorists', think of: McCain, Bush, Bandar of Saudi Arabia, Saudi Arabia is where the majority of the 9-11 hi-jackers were from, the Saudi royals (Bandar and family) have contributed millions to educate fundamentalist Islamic youth and support the terrorist cause including Bin Laden, Al-Qaeda, Bush and Bandar spent the eve of 9-11 at the White House smoking cigars, having drinks and watching the Pentagon burn. Bush's family has been in business with Bandar's family since the 1940s or 1950s. Bush's failed company, Arbusto, used some of Bandar's capital to keep running. Read "The House of Bush, The House of Saud". Read "The Fall of the House of Bush", 2 excellent, informative books.
McCain supported terrorists during the Reagan era's Iran-Contra weapons for drugs trade scandal.
Sarah Palin is connected with the AIP. Talk about fringe group.
In fact, the shameful campaign usage of code words referring to racism by McCain and Palin, and the reaction they incite in fringe righties is what many believe to be "Terrorist Threats". They are inciting others to hate and kill. These people are terrorists.
| | Posted by mindinari at 2:24 PM - | |
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Saturday February 9, 2008
I haven't given a huge amount of thought to death in my life so far. Members of my family have died, friends have died, right now more family members are facing possibly fatal illness, and today a member of my in-laws' neighborhood, family friends for over 35 years, died unexpectedly. Since the beginning of 2008 it seems that a large number of the entertainment world have also died unexpectedly.
I am in my 50's and my health isn't perfect. In my own way of getting ready to face the death of very close family members, as well as my own, I have been reading books about dying and reaching more definite conclusions as far as my own beliefs about death and afterlife. I have just begun reading 'On Death and Dying' by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, which first appeared in the bookstores in 1969. I have also been reading books by Ruth Montgomery such as 'A World Beyond'.
I think I'll meet my own death with a sense of relief from physical suffering, something of which I've seen all too often. The mention of suffering brings such philosophical and religious thoughts regarding what the purpose of suffering is and if upon death we are rewarded in some way for our sticking through it all during this lifetime.
I also tend to believe in reincarnation and being reunited with souls known from past lives when we die. I definitely will want to reconnect with certain friends and lovers, family and ancestors.
Another thought which I've pondered is will I leave my things "in order" for my family to sort through? What does one do to get their things in order? A Last Will and Testament, of course. I suppose just thinking of the material objects and how they will be 'disposed of' is a safe buffer for those unwilling or afraid of really facing the fact of death. Our society definitely tends to put the focus on the life-saving machines, readings, charts, vital signs, rather than the actual person, body and soul, who is getting ready to go through the transition, 'through the veil'.
I'd rather be at home when it finally happens, but I know a hospital is a definite possibility. I'd really like to taste some chocolate, hear some favorite music, savor the memories and experiences which made this life so eventful and exciting, a victory of survival for decades through an incredible period of the world's history, despite my close encounter with death several times throughout life - a couple of auto accidents could have proved fatal, a couple of drug overdoses could have claimed me earlier including an unintentional overdose of methadone from a nurse with a maintenance program - that left me hospitalized for 3 days before I was alive enough to leave. Now as I look back at those very close calls, I'm so grateful for the extra years of life that I received. Those years have included marriage, children, satisfaction for jobs done well.
So, it's a profound thing. I'm not really afraid. I've also been reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead and other sacred texts about life and death. The little creeping question does sneak in sometimes; what if it's all wrong? But there is so much material from all over the world, since times in the ancient past, that it seems that God/Angels/Creator/Spirit has taken great steps to help us go into the 'unknown' without too much fear.
I have a feeling I'll be around a couple of decades more, if I compare myself with the lives of other female ancestors. Many of those ladies had up to 12 children and still made it into their '80s.
I hope these thoughts don't upset anyone unnecessarily and I hope this doesn't trivialize a big transition. But these are some of the things going on in my mind lately.
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