Cosima met someone new. A middle-aged man from her church asked her to lunch with a group of church members. Cosima is jumping to conclusions by thinking he is interested in her romantically.



She is misinterpreting his friendly overtures. He is a sociable sort of fellow and spends quite a bit of time discussing travel and gourmet foods with Cosima. He has her mesmerized. She is obsessed with thoughts of him.



I suppose it is possible that he finds Cosima attractive and something good might come out of this. That is what I hope for. But I just have that feeling, a gut feeling, that he will either take advantage of her or else has no interest in her at all. Imagine how foolish she might feel when she finds out the truth. She will be called naive, delusional, or worse. It seems that sometimes men and women are so blind when it comes to the opposite sex. Flying in the face of all reason and logic, someone thinks a potential mate has appeared in their midst. Then there is disappointment, anger, sadness, or self-hatred for being so wrong.

I feel sorry for Cosima sometimes. She is a very interesting lady to visit with but I can tell that she sometimes gets choked up when a certain song comes on the radio or when we talk about relationships and love. I remember her telling me the following:

"When I have a man, I wish I didn't. When I don't, I think I do want one in my life. I am always getting signals crossed with others. I am friendly. That's just being my natural self. Some men take it too much to heart and believe I am interested in them in a romantic way. Then they get angry if I am not! Or else a man is very friendly and attractive; the chemistry is there. My heart follows the dream and I find he's married or is in a committed relationship. I end up in tears, feeling like a damned fool."



"A few years ago, after a deeply heartbreaking relationship ended, I decided to never attract another man. I gained thirty pounds in that attempt. The extra weight went mostly to my chest and my hips, so it didn't really do much to discourage anyone and it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes I go out with absolutely no make-up on, feeling very plain. I just want to blend into the surroundings. Then I spot some man looking at me with unmistakable interest and I just want to go home and hide for the rest of my life. I don't want to pay the price any longer. The price of the love is too steep and it just ends up as a memory anyway. It takes too much out of me. Perhaps I've just had too much for one lifetime."

"It can be very hard to resist, too. I do like men very much. I like people. But with the added sexy promise, the feeling...holding hands, hugs, everything else, some men are just like a gourmet feast; to see him makes me weak, and my heart melts. To feel him in my hands and to feel his breath against my neck brings on a shudder. And I fear that I will die someday in the massive avalanche of unearthly pleasure which a climax can bring. If I could just keep my heart out of it, I may be able to handle it. But I can't trust myself to stay detached. It is impossible for me."

I have a friend by the name of Cosima. Cosima is very old and very tired. She is especially tired of certain feelings she has had to conceal for the years of her life - a life lived with desperate, immediate passion. Cosima has told me:

"When I walk in a public place, certain people seem to stare at me as though I were a ghost. I'm not sure why they do this to me. My first thought is that something is wrong with my appearance. Maybe they see me as ugly, although the ugliness is usually hidden inside."

"Then I imagine that they can somehow see the contents of my mind or my heart which would include my one-of-a-kind collection of cherished memories and experiences - some menage a trois, a passionate kiss with a very handsome stranger in an elevator which quickly ignited into a sizzling, summer night we will both fondly remember for a long, long time, the other things I would not want my grandchildren to know."

"From boys and men, I'm not always sure. Sometimes the stare suggests hatred and other times it lingers while the face reveals a touch of pleasure or longing."

"Are they surprised at the violet color of my eyes or is my passionate soul so easily perceived or could it be the shadowy side of my jealousy and insecurity? Could they be reading my rich, sensual fantasies as though they are written across my face like an open book - with bold print? The want to devour a young man half my age knowing I can please and satisfy in a way that very few others will?" these are the shadows from Cosima